To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days.

The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

1. We will wake the kids................................54 times
2. It's too late........................................15 times
3. I'm too tired........................................42 times
4. It's too early.......................................12 times
5. It's too hot.........................................18 times
6. Pretending to be asleep..............................31 times
7. The neighbors will hear...............................9 times
8. Headache or backache.................................26 times
9. Sunburn..............................................10 times
10. Your mother will hear us..............................9 times
11. Not in the mood......................................21 times
12. Watching the late show...............................17 times
13. Too sore.............................................26 times
14. New hairdo............................................6 times
15. Wrong time of the month..............................14 times
16. You had to go to the bathroom........................19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because

6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy.

Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

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To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

1. Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat..............23 times
2. Did not come home at all................................36 times
3. Did not come............................................21 times
4. Came too soon...........................................38 times
5. Went soft before you got it in..........................19 times
6. Cramps in your leg......................................16 times
7. Working too late........................................33 times
8. You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat.............29 times
9. Caught yourself in your zipper..........................15 times
10. You had a cold and your nose kept running...............21 times
11. You had burned your tongue on hot coffee.................9 times
12. You had a splinter in your finger.......................11 times
13. You lost the notion after thinking about it.............42 times
14. Came in your pj's after reading a dirty book............16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time , I didn't want to move and spoil it for you.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling-what I said was "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?"

The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air.

Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife